I'm turning this blog into my newsletter. I’ll write as I work on 8-major projects' retrospective how-to/memoir. Titled: WALK INTO YOUR MADNESS. I’m only inviting people who I get along with personally. Who enjoy my work. Whose work I enjoy.

I officially become a pensioner this week. Ridiculous. Liberating. Fuck it, man, I am allowing myself to Run into My Madness. I am forgetting what I think I should do and allowing my 8-station mind-maps to tell me what I want to do.

I want to create a religion of 8-station mind-maps. I want to bring like-minded people together. With quarried, huge, standing stones. Literally. My tribe. I am retiring from worry. I am 66 on Thursday. Something makes me feel ashamed about the number. But actually, I am elated. It makes me smile when I look in the mirror. I love my lines. I look great. I look like a new version of me. With all my wisdom.

I am proud. Grateful. Relieved. That I practice Knowledge. Since 1989. 4 techniques of meditation given to me by Eileen, a stand in for Prem Rawat, in a house in Whalley Range. Not in a Shoalin Temple. 1981. Eileen. An old woman with old women shoes. Listening to Prem Rawat’s satsang since 1977. The company of the truth. To wash away my concepts. Give me clear glass. A clean glass.

I am not good at this. I think, believe, consistently try to make myself worthy for my idea of someone getting meditation techniques. Shaolin Monk. Pagodas. Standing Stones. Druids. New Orleans Cemeteries. Mountains that take 2 years to reach the peak. Being lovely to anyone and everyone. And a profound answer for everything.

I am refused Knowledge many times. Leave many times. Go back many times. We are queuing in the hallway. Usually, I am making up my reasons why I should receive the 4 techniques. Today — 1981 — is different. I am calm. There is nowhere else to go. No where else to be. If I don’t get Knowledge today, I will be back. I am at peace.

3 days later we are sat on the floor cross legged in rows. Eileen is walking between us. Directing us how to do the techniques. I begin to transform. Instantly. Not forward. But backwards. I begin to reverse into me who I am when I am little. I become whole. Little me has been waiting for me. We reconnect.

When I look in the mirror aged 66 little me stares back at me. I don’t feel afraid that I am aging. I don’t love it. Especially my wobbly arms, and the tops of my thighs, and the bags under my eyes. But there is still life in me. It is there in the elasticity of my skin. The elasticity of my thoughts.

I am retiring from worry. I am entering the girl who won Mousetrap in junior school for putting in the most effort with her studies. Who filled black sugar paper on classroom walls. With pagodas. And Shaolin Monks. And Roman myths. And Egyptian stars. I love that the Egyptians aligned shit with the stars. I love there was a time when the night sky was vibrant. That there are 50 tomato plants inside a tomato. If Asda didn’t exist, how could we starve?

I am also enthralled with the cunning of the first human to put a value on those 50 seeds. I have time now to go to university. Not a physical place. Through my 8-station mind-maps meditation I can indulge in the peace of my creativity. Like the 4 techniques of meditation have led me to the peace of me.

Scroll back on this blog to learn more about my 8-stations mind-maps. I’ll continue to understand, practise, and teach them in this newsletter, as I compile WALK INTO YOUR MADNESS my I-am-at-the-top-of-a-fucking-mountain book.

Go to https://www.premrawat.com/ to learn more about the 4 techniques of meditation. I have practised for one hour a day since 1989. Everything that is good about me is rooted in that.